


Breathe In, Breathe Out, and Lie

by GayChaton



Series: Emails to Lie In [2]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: (kind of), (kinda), Anxiety Disorder, Emotional Manipulation, Evan-centric, Everybody Lives, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Suicide attempt, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Organized Crime, Social Anxiety, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-31
Updated: 2017-06-04
Packaged: 2018-11-07 01:44:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11048691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GayChaton/pseuds/GayChaton
Summary: If there is one thing Evan is not built for, it's being smooth in conversation.It's rather unfortunate that lying requires exactly that.





	1. Website

Evan was up around seven, and his stomach was already jittering with nerves.

 _Great_. He popped his pill bottle and took his daily medication.

It was Saturday, and he's been invited to bring himself and Jared to breakfast with the Murphys. If all went well, it would be a keystone event in securing Jared's safety in the plan. Jared always complained softly about how he was in the most danger, and Evan really didn't want him to feel that way.

He stood and tidied himself up, brushing his teeth and hair and changing from pajamas to a new button-up before he even let himself look at the time.

7:58. Plenty of time.

Even if he'd slept in far much longer than he'd planned on. He decided to kill time working on his History homework, making a brief timeline of the Japanese Post-World War II Economic Boom. _At least it's not war,_ he thought to himself. Still, the date loomed over him until he forced himself to stop working three-quarters of an hour later.

It would be okay he just- just needed to sort things out with Jared.

He pulled out his computer and sent a call request to Jared the moment he saw that he was online already.

Jared's face popped onto the screen pretty quickly. He looked like he'd just rolled out of bed and he had on yesterday's clothes. "The fuck you want, Evan?"

"I- uh, you remember what day it is, right?"

"Yes, I do. What do you want, a suit and tie?" Jared grumbled, rubbing his eyes. "Listen, give me ten minutes and I'll drive over and pick you up and we'll wait for Connor to wake the fuck up. Sound good?"

"Um, yeah but could you maybe—"

Jared ended the call and the window closed automatically.

Evan gazed at the computer screen. "Or um, yeah you could hang up too, was going to ask if you could not get coffee, but I know you probably are going to anyway. So thanks," he said to the inanimate screen.

After a moment he finally stood and got organized again. He had his phone, charged to its max, check. He had Jared's flannel that he left at Evan's house last weekend, check. He had a portable charger in case his phone ran out of battery, and a USB charger cable to plug into his phone, check. He had a small pack of tissues in the other back pocket, in case someone had allergies.

In September.

He coughed awkwardly. Anyways, check.

He stood wondering if there was anything else he needed, but before he knew it, Jared was knocking impatiently on the door.

Evan unlocked and pulled it open promptly, and Jared stood with two cups of coffee in his hands.

"Got your creamy coffee or whatever, let's get a move on," Jared said, turning in his heel.

"Oh, right. Keys," Evan muttered, reaching behind him for the keys on the small shelf in the entrance. He locked the door after he closed it, and followed Jared back to his car. It was a bit of a fixer-upper, but Jared was a better driver than most passengers would believe.

"You know, I almost wore a shirt with dick quotes on it today," Jared said as they both sat down in the front seats.

"Why- why would you even _think_  of doing… Well, doing that? Tha-that's so crazy, we're meeting the Murphys," Evan restated as Jared pressed the mocha coffee into his hands.

" _I'm_ meeting the Murphys. And because it would freak you out, why else?" Jared laughed, turning the ignition.

"That's— you're something else," Evan mumbled. He pulled his phone from his pocket and began typing a message to Connor.

 **To Connor Murphy:** Dear Connor Murphy,  
Jared just picked me up and he's decided we're going to stay at his house until you wake up. We're playing video games, actually, so it isn't really uninterruptible. Just, text one of us when you're up, please? We're dressed and I made sure Jared's car had gas and everything so we're super ready to meet your parents as a group I think.  
Sincerely, your closest and best friend,  
Me

"What're you doing?" Jared asked, glancing over.

"Texting Connor," Evan said. "Just for when he wakes up."

"Every day it becomes clearer and clearer that you're dating."

"Jared!" Evan scolded, reaching out to push Jared's arm. In doing so, his coffee became unbalanced and splashed against his shirt. He gasped and righted it quickly, even though the coffee was no longer scalding.

Jared laughed. "Oh my god," Jared said through his giggles. "How did you fuck that up?"

Evan tried to wipe the fluid off of his shirt, but it only smudged a bit. "I didn't even want coffee. You're being mean this morning."

"If it makes you feel better, I was a hundred percent joking about the dating thing," Jared shrugged. "Sue me for trying to get you something you like, I thought it would calm you down."

"See, but it doesn't actually? Because in actuality the caffeine just makes me more awake and jittery and then my hands start to shake and what if I got nervous? Then I might lie and then you'd have to work around that and it's just— just like, totally better if I don't have to," Evan said.

"Dude, take a breather," Jared mumbled. "I don't give a shit, but I won't get you coffee next time. 'Kay?"

"Okay."

They got back to Jared's house, which was further away from the Murphy house than Evan's, but a faster trip when they used Jared's car.

Jared tossed one of his plain t-shirts at Evan once they sat down in Jared's room, and Evan escaped to the bathroom to change out of it.

When he returned to Jared's room, Jared was sitting at his desk with his laptop on his legs. "So I was looking over the emails that are up on the website. We need to start paying attention to details and numbers."

"What do you mean?" Evan asked nervously.

"I _mean_  number of times Connor took you to the orchard, details of when, if you ever took him up to the park this summer. Where you broke your arm. Did you tell anyone but me about that before-" Jared waved a hand to the webpage of The Connor Project, "all of this?"

"Um, you. And well, and my mom. And I tried to tell Alana, but she didn't actually listen."

Jared hummed. "Alright, we'll stick with the orchard then."

"Jared," Evan started, waving a hand to draw his attention from the computer screen. "How much time do you spend on that website?"

The boy was blank and silent for half a beat before he turned back to the screen and opened his mouth. "More time logged in than anyone else," Jared shrugged. "Except Alana, she doesn't log out. I guess she must leave her computer on with three million tabs all the time, but except for her passive time, I have the highest activity on there I guess."

"Right," Evan mumbled. "She's always making videos too. How are those? I mean, I haven't gotten a chance to really look at them—"

"They're fine. Before any of them upload, the site sends them to me for approval. Once or twice I had to take short ones down, but she hasn't noticed. The ones with you in them have the most views."

Evan hummed. He was worried the community was getting impatient or skeptical. He hadn't made an online presence in a while, but Alana assured him it was alright and that she would cover it.

"Hey," Jared said. "People are asking for different stars of the videos."

"I-I was worried about that, yeah," Evan nodded. "I swear I can make some vids with Alana—"

"Actually, they want Connor."

Evan tensed up. "Connor?"

"Yeah, with a capital C. Which Connor do you think we're talking about, dumbass?"

"I- it- it's just that, why would—" Evan blubbered for a moment before taking a breath. "Why?"

"To see how he's recovering firsthand. Some people are suggesting you upload old videos of you two from when you were friends."

"We weren't- friends—"

"Yeah, _I know_ , Evan. But it wouldn't be hard to fake. Just wear some of your old clothes and mess around in the orchard or the park or some shit. Film each other and we'll make a montage of it," Jared said with a wave of his hand.

"Okay," Evan agreed, "do you think we should eat breakfast?"

"We got invited to breakfast with the Murphys."

"Right."

"That's why you're here."

"Yeah- yeah I know."

Jared's brows furrowed. "Why are you acting all shady?"

"I'm not—" Evan stopped himself. "I'm worried."

"You're always worried," Jared said. "It's in your nature. What about?"

"Well that. That you and Connor will get in a fight in front of his parents."

Jared scoffed. "Please."

"Exactly! Connor can get- well he can get angry sometimes and you can be difficult and—"

"Evan," Jared interrupted, placing a hand on Evan's chest.

Evan swallowed and waited. His cheeks flushed.  _Wait why were his cheeks flushing—?_

"I am a _much_  better liar than you. Don't worry about me because I do this all the time."

"No, that's not true! You said you nod and confirm all the time."

Jared gave a short laugh. "You think I was being literal? You can't answer every question with 'yes'. No I'm just great at lying, man."

"O-okay. If you're sure?"

Jared patted his back and turned back to his computer. "Yeah I'm sure. Now let's wait for Connor to text."

They passed an Xbox controller back and forth as they waited for Connor to wake up, and eventually Jared's phone vibrated against his leg. He pulled it out and scanned the page, and snickered aloud.

"What is it?" Evan asked, slightly afraid he'd regret asking.

"Connor just sent me two O-K emojis."

"Oh, I guess he's up?" Evan suggested, watching Jared reply with quick finger movements on his iPhone.

"Yeah, check it," Jared said. He finally stopped tapping and turned his phone for Evan to see.

The current conversation began less than a minute ago, with only two hand emojis from Connor. Both made "O-K" signs.

 

  **Jared 9:01**

tf does that mean

r u ready or do u want us to head over or r u just awake, wtf dude

 

**On Freak Bitch 9:01**

Come over, dick

 

Evan turned away and stood up as Jared rose slower.

Jared tossed his keys on the bed. "We'll leave through the garage. Alright, let's go, dude."

They got in the car as soon as their feet got in, and Jared held his phone against the steering wheel as he kept scrolling through his texts. "Jared," Evan hissed. "No texting and driving."

Jared shot him an annoyed look, but raised his hands in surrender as Evan snatched the phone.

It was already open, so Evan scanned over the messages.

 

**Jared 9:02**

fuck off

n get dressed i dont wanna be the only 1 fully clothed there

 

**On Freak Bitch 9:03**

?? What about Evan???

 

Evan glared at Jared as the car set in motion, and he buckled his seatbelt with his free hand. Jared rolled his eyes and followed suit. Evan returned to the phone and started his own message.

 

**Jared 9:05**

Dear Connor Murphy,

Sorry I took Jared's phone because he's driving! I stained my shirt and Jared kindly let me borrow one of his since he's like, I don't want to say bigger but bigger, than me. So I think he means something like I didn't bring enough clothing or... something.

Sincerely,

Me

 

**On Freak Bitch 9:05**

Dear Evan Hansen,

I dunno how you got a phone away from Jare but nice

-S. Me

 

Evan smiled. "What do you two even tal—"

"Hey, do me a favor and be less of a dick and don't read through my history with Connor, okay?" Jared said sharply.

Evan flinched. "S-sorry I didn't— I just. Sorry."

"Well I don't want today to suck so…" Jared sighed. "Whatever. It's fine, just don't, okay?"

Evan nodded. He was curious, he wanted to know very badly if that fighting those two always did with quick retorts and personal jabs was actually genuine or if they got along in private. Evan wanted to know if his real best friend and fake best friend were actually friends at all. But even more than that, he didn't want Jared to actually start to dislike Evan. For as much as Jared's casual taunts stuck in his mind, Evan knew it was mostly jokes. And hey, maybe he couldn't take a joke, but he did logically recognize them.

So he didn't read further up the history. Simple as that.

The phone buzzed in his hands.

 

**On Freak Bitch 9:08**

Dear Evan Hansen,

My mom wants to know if either of you have eaten breakfast. And if you want pancakes or eggs, I think.

Sincerely, Me

 

"Mrs. Murphy wants to make us breakfast of our choice," Evan said gently, testing the waters. "She says pancakes or eggs?"

"Who the hell makes pancakes instead of waffles?" Jared jeered. Evan sighed in relief, at least they were back to familiar ground. "Eggs. You?"

"I'm good with eggs," Evan nodded. He pulled the phone up, but the length of time between his questioning had automatically locked Jared's phone. Instead, Evan pulled out his own offbrand phone with different text formatting.

 

 **To Connor Murphy:**  Dear Connor Murphy,

That'd be very nice! Jared says eggs. Brunch =)

Sincerely,

Me.

 

 **From Connor Murphy:**  Dear Evan Hansen,

I'll be standing out front, you know my address. See you in a few.

-S. Me

 

Evan looked up at the road, and saw they were on the wrong street. "Um, take a right, we're one street too far north."

"I know. I've been to Connor's house before," Jared said.

"You have?"

"Yeah," Jared shrugged. "I know where I'm going, man. We'll be there in like, two minutes."

Evan paused, glanced out the window and debated speaking up. Finally he did. "A-about the website—"

"Cool, here we go," Jared sighed sarcastically.

"I just want to say- that um. You don't need to do that much."

Jared turned to look at Evan, and they locked eyes for a few seconds before Evan looked down. Jared turned back to the road. "Someone does. And that someone is me, so yeah, I do."

"Well, thank you," Evan whispered. The car came to a halt at a stop sign, and Evan looked up.

Jared's hands were tight on the leather steering wheel, and his head was angled slightly down as he stared into the void. A moment later, he was making a right turn and they reached the correct street.

Evan glanced down the road; a construction crew had blocked the road in the direction they'd come from. They would have been stopped if they'd taken Evan's recommendation.

"Can I have my phone back?" Jared asked, with no sign on his face that their awkward silence had ever happened.

Evan put the device back in Jared's hand, and Evan couldn't bring himself to say anything for the rest of the short trip.


	2. breakfast

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan thinks he should probably be more concerned with Jared's ability to lie without hesitation.

Evan watched Connor's huge house roll into view. Connor stood in the yard with hands jammed into the front pockets of dark jeans, and a white, baggy t-shirt hung loosely on his frame. Jared's car pulled to a stop about a foot from the massively wide driveway and he rolled down the passenger window. From behind Evan, Jared yelled, "Should I just park on the street?!"

Connor made a large gesture of throwing his hands up to make Jared feel stupid, and then pointed to the empty space in the driveway. Evan snickered.

As Jared steered the car into the parkway, he saved one hand specifically to flip Connor off directly in front of Evan's face. Evan glanced at Jared with disapproval, but said nothing.

A smirk creeped onto Connor's face as Evan opened the door before he took his seatbelt off, leaving him awkwardly jumbling with what to do next before he freed himself. "Connor!" 

"Hey Hansen. Well Kleinman, so _nice_  of you to drop off Evan, but time to fuck on off," Connor joked.

Jared scoffed as he made his way around the hood. "You misunderstand; I am Evan's ride to and fro, thus I _also_  qualify as his plus one."

"His plus one to a family meal with me?" Connor asked. 

"I seem to recall being invited as well," Jared said. He rolled his eyes and jammed his hands in the front pocket of his jeans. "I was promised eggs. Cynthia any good at cooking?"

"Not burned I guess," Connor shrugged. He appeared largely disinterested. 

It seemed to be enough for Jared. "Other things to recap: current story, end goal for today, what we're doing after brunch. Evan, you gonna take point on this?"

"Oh," Evan mumbled. He didn't want to, but yes, he would, considering it was indeed his orchestration. "Uh, sure. So current story, this is my friend, Jared, who's recently become friends with you too, Connor. But- but only through text? You haven't met physically, like, before _now_  I guess." 

Jared (probably ironically) held out his right hand for Connor to shake. Connor ignored it.

Evan watched the non-exchange and continued on. "Goal, establish that uh, Connor isn't heartless and can have, um. Friends. Like us?" 

Jared rolled his eyes. "Okay, laying it on thick now, Evan." 

"Shut up," Evan said without hesitation. "After brunch, anything?"

"Sounds good enough for me," Connor nodded, "let's go in?"

Jared moved past Connor, enough of an answer for both of the others to follow. 

"Mom," Connor called out into the house. "They're here!" 

"Oh! Come in boys, the eggs are almost ready. Go ahead and make yourself at home, sit at the table!" 

The house hadn't changed from Evan's last visit, but there was a tension that Connor's subtle discomfort brought to the scene. A hand appeared on Evan's back, and Evan jumped only to glance back and see Connor. He put his other hand Jared's back too (who jerked away fairly quickly) to direct them into the dining room. At the head of the table, Larry was already sitting. 

Larry looked up from his paper. "Evan, good morning! And— I'm sorry, I don't believe we've met?" 

Evan waved and turned his gaze to Jared. 

Jared paused for a moment before smiling. "We have," Jared chirped. "I'm the treasurer of The Connor Project, I was there for the proposal and that speech thing." 

"Oh, terribly sorry," Larry said, frowning. "I don't think I caught your name, son?" 

"Jared Kleinman." 

"Ah, you're the friend of Evan's. Cynthia, you ought to come meet this young man!"

"I already met him," Cynthia responded from the other room. "He came by for a school project to see Zoe the other week!"

Connor stared at Jared for a moment. "Why don't you guys sit down?" Connor mumbled. He drew out the chair to his normal seat and dropped down, watching his father out of the corner of his eye. 

Evan darted forward and took the seat across from Larry, not wanting to be stuck in Zoe's seat if the girl came along. 

Jared glanced at the table once and took Zoe's usual spot. 

"Well, Jared, what are you interested in?" Larry asked to make light conversation. 

Evan cringed internally, worrying over the awkwardness. 

Next to Evan, Connor's nose scrunched up in an external display of what Evan had already been feeling.

Jared made a soft laugh at Connor's face before turning to Mr. Murphy. "Mostly getting through school, I suppose. I'm more of a technology guy than anything, so I'll end up in an IT group _pretty_  fast after graduation." 

"Anything for fun?" 

"Well these idiots are pretty entertaining so far," Jared said, motioning to Connor and Evan. "Haven't known him for too long but already proving to be a worthy opponent."

"Fuck off," Connor sighed, rolling his eyes.

"Connor!" Larry said, making Connor's eye twitch. The boy curled in on himself a bit. 

"Hey," Jared barked. "We talk like this all the time, we're teenagers." 

Evan froze and watched a tense subtle exchange between Jared and Connor where they connected eyes, shuffled, and refocused. 

Jared just leaned back and smiled sheepishly. "Sorry man, bad habits and bad language." 

"Y-yeah that's like," Evan interjected with the hope of recovery. "Their thing? They like, curse sometimes. B-because they like to! And at each other a lot. But it's not like anything bad? Just- it's just some-something they do." 

Larry looked suspicious of their behavior, but Jared smiled and asked about their lawn. The conversation was diverted and somehow, Jared went through the talk with one of the most realistic fake smiles Evan had ever seen. 

Only a couple minutes lated, Cynthia brought in the eggs and stood behind Larry as the boys filled their plates and began to eat. "Evan, would you tell us a little about how you know Jared?" 

"Well—" Evan said, sharing a glance with Jared. Jared only stuffed some eggs in his mouth and wasn't giving any clear signals to get Evan to shut up, so Evan continued, "our moms were friends forever, and so we've always been kinda around each other. And I guess it didn't— we didn't really click personality wise until, until more recently, I guess." 

"That sounds lovely, that you did find a way to be friends," Cynthia grinned. 

So far so good, Evan thought to himself.

"Jared, how do you know Connor?" 

"Through Evan," Jared said once he finished chewing. "I mean, that's how I met him if that's what you're asking? We've been texting." 

"So we heard," Larry nodded. "We were wondering if you were aware of Connor's—" 

"This isn't an interrogation," Connor interrupted, glaring at his parents. "They came over to have breakfast, not to have a security check." 

"We were just making conversation?" Larry argued. 

"Kind of _rude_  conversation," Connor growled. "I'm here too; you're talking like I'm not." 

"Honey," Cynthia started, trying to put a hand on Connor's shoulder. 

Connor flinched away, dragging the chair a few inches away with him. He grit his teeth. "Hey I don't want—" 

" _Connor_ ," Evan said in a hushed tone. 

Connor paused in place and looked up at Evan. "What?" 

"C-can we please just have breakfast?" 

A wave of guilt and regret flooded Connor's face very briefly. Instead of properly responding, he moved his chair back and actually ate some food. 

Evan smiled gently at Connor, hoping he would understand how grateful he was. 

"So," Jared said. "Mr. Murphy, you were the one to donate all that baseball stuff for auctions for the Connor Project?" 

"Yep," Larry smiled. "My personal collection." 

"Sure helped move things along," Jared admitted. "Financial and moderation of The Project is my gig, so I noticed." 

Nobody made any move to stop Jared from orienting the conversation towards gratitude and The Connor Project, however much he may have disliked both. Evan knew Jared was acutely skilled at lying under pressure in a way that Evan didn't have the nerves for and Connor didn't have the control for. Sometimes Evan was hesitant and genuinely skeptical of the boy and what his motives were. At the moment, Evan was very satisfied to allow Jared to steer through the conversation. 

"What are you planning on, Evan?" Cynthia asked, cutting through Evan's thoughts. 

"P-pardon? Sorry I— must have zoned out. Could you repeat…?" Evan asked in a tone he hoped sounded kind. 

Cynthia smiled gently. "Do you have any plans for today? Or is this breakfast all?" 

Evan paused. "Oh there was that, well, that project. Jared you mentioned that project that we could work on this morning? We could use Connor's help working on that if he— well, Connor, are you free today?" 

Connor raised his eyebrows. "Whatever." 

"Is that like a…" Evan paused, staring at Connor. "Like a 'whatever, yeah' or like a, 'whatever' like I-don't-care whatever?" 

"I just," Connor trailed off for a moment. "Whatever, yeah, I guess." 

"Good," Evan nodded. "Um. … Jared?" 

Jared's lips quirked up in an amused smirk before he smiled sweetly at the parents in the room. "Would it be alright if I gave Connor a ride to my house so we can work on our school biology homework? There's an assignment right now that lets us work together for answers." 

Evan watched Jared. That was a real assignment, they did have to fill out a packet of review stuff, but Evan had already finished it and Connor was in a different period that probably didn't get the same assignment anyway. Evan had enough sense not to say so, but he wondered at Jared's wits. 

"Sounds wonderful," Cynthia exclaimed. "You'd be needing your bag then, sweetie?" 

"I'll go with you to get it," Evan proclaimed, standing up and gently moving the chair back. 

 Connor stood and let the wooden chair screech against the floor. 

"Jared…?" Evan asked softly. 

"Go. I'm fine," Jared ordered, indifferent. 

Evan followed Connor to his room. He carefully waited until they were inside to speak. 

"Project?" Connor asked, reaching for his bag. 

"Jared s-says we should film stuff in our old gear and- and clothes and hairstyles and stuff to fake vids from before we, well before we actually really met," Evan said. "D-d'you have any styles from back then, or maybe clothes? Something like that?" 

"What timeframe?" Connor asked, walking towards the wall and slotting his fingers into the cracked side of the closet. He dragged the closet door aside and forced the sliding door open. 

"This time last year maybe? We don't want weather to look unusual." 

"Twelve months ago, September," Connor muttered before digging into the stache of messy half-hung clothes and piles on the ground. "Back then, I guess I dressed like a butch lesbian." 

Evan sputtered, "excuse me?" 

"Red flannel jack— oh, yeah, this one. And these boots still, but it was very butch. I had slicked short hair and a beanie— wait how are we going to do that?" 

"Jared h-has hair gel," Evan suggested lightly. "You could ponytail it and gel the rest." 

Connor grunted. "Alright. If I can ever find one of— oh there's a beanie. Good. Uh, I had these jeans, right?"

 Evan shrugged. 

"I think so," Connor said, pulling a red-and-black jacket, black tank top with small inscriptions, and black beanie out of the closet. 

"What kind of fashion stuff do you like? Or did you like?"

"Anything I knew Zoe _didn't_ ," Connor joked. "No, just kinda whatever. This tank was for gender awareness or something. Half proceeds went to trans kids, so I bought it. And the rest was just kinda gay fashion symbol stuff I knew. Well, I knew it from Zoe, because she would talk to Mom about lesbians wearing flannel and snapbacks."

Evan helped fold the clothes to put into the backpack. "What, um. W-what happened to snapbacks?" 

"Too obviously a lesbian thing. If I wore it, being a dude, it would have come off as frat guy, not gay," Connor shrugged. "Ready to save Jared from my parents?" 

"He's doing fine, at least, I think." 

"Yeah, surprisingly," Connor shrugged. "Everyone's better at being their kid than me." 

"I- I don't think that's— it's just, Jared's mom hates him," Evan blurted out. 

Connor was silent. 

"Um, just a _little_. But she likes me more too. She thinks he's shallow and coldhearted, and that _I'm_  the ideal example of manners."

"You are," Connor shrugged. "Got your please-and-thank-yous under control."

Evan shrugged. "I thought you should know that Jared _gets it_ , I think. Well- maybe, I don't want, to like assume." 

Connor sighed through his nose and let his bag drop to the floor as he looked like he decided something. "Evan, listen," he said. "Jared is a piece of shit. And so am I, and sometimes, so are you." 

"…Uh," Evan hesitated. "Are- are you going somewhere with that?" 

"I'm trying to, just…" Connor's palms rubbed into his eyes for a moment. "I think we shouldn't focus on that. So stop worrying about me about to kick Jared's ass, and keep worrying about what we're saying to the internet. Alright?" 

Evan nodded. "Alright, if, if you want to, or like, if you think so, rather."

"Yeah," Connor breathed. He cleared his throat and picked up his bag again. "We should save your boyfriend from my parents." 

"He's _not_ —" Evan squeaked, a little too loud. "He is not my boyfriend?"

Connor leaned against his door. "I thought you were…?" 

"No," Evan hissed. "He can hardly stand being around me, really." 

"Is that what your brain tells you?" Connor said, suddenly glaring at Evan's forehead. "Bullshit." 

"I— uh. What." 

"I thought you were gay and dating."

"We're not dating!" 

"Are you gay?" 

"Well," Evan mumbled. The way that Connor's voice hadn't risen above mild curiosity didn't escape Evan, who had begun to freak out. His palms were starting to sweat and the sound of his heartbeat had begin to be considerably obnoxious. "Uh, sorry can we have this conversation later?"

Connor nodded minutely, opening his door. They made their way through the house and into the living room.

Jared was perched on the edge of the couch, smiling at Cynthia. Zoe sat beside him, talking. "It's not something people really lose, it's just something human, I think," Zoe said, scratching her ear.

"W-what is?" Evan asked, making his presence known.

"Music," Jared said. He turned his head towards Evan and looked at him, then Connor. He must have found what he was looking for because he stood up. "If you two are ready to go, we can go get a start on that project." 

"Where are you taking him?" 

"We're going to my house," Jared said. "Probably invite over Alana Beck to help with homework."

"Connor _doesn't_  do homework," Zoe deadpanned, turning to Connor with a glare. 

Evan could feel Connor bristling beside him, so he stepped forward. "Yeah— yeah of course- I know that, maybe he doesn't always, but we're going to kinda hang out too _so…_ " 

Zoe's glare snapped to Evan and he felt his chest seize with panic before she seemed to see him and relax. Zoe glanced between Jared and Evan for a moment before rolling her eyes and sitting back.

"Well, if it's alright, we'll get going," Jared suggested as he stood up. 

"Do you need money for gas?" Cynthia asked. 

Evan opened his mouth to decline and he thought he saw Connor doing the same, but Jared beat them to the punchline. "That's so thoughtful, thank you so much Mrs. Murphy." 

"It's no trouble really, I know how crazy gas prices can get," the mother said. "Let me grab my purse really quick and I'll walk you out." 

Evan stared at Jared when he turned around, but Jared didn't even flinch under the gaze. 

Cynthia gave Jared a ten dollar bill and waved them off as Jared drove away. 

"Why'd you take her money?" Evan asked from the back seat next to Connor.

"Because gas is expensive as shit and it comes out of my pocket every time I give you two a ride anyway," Jared retorted. "Now, you two did a recap of the real project?" 

"Yeah," Connor said. "I'm down."

"Let's swing by my place first and then go to Evan's for clothes and have Alana meet us there," Jared announced. "Oh and Connor? Your parents are fucking awful."


	3. videos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crashing and burning the way it always would at some point.

Evan went into his house with Connor to pick up some of his older clothes, and Jared stayed in the car.

"Calling Beck. We'll see if she can help us with video directing and editing," Jared explained with his his pressed to one ear.

Evan unlocked the door to his apartment once they got to the right floor and made a direct line to his room.

"I've never been in your house."

"Oh, cool," Evan mumbled as he shoved open his door room.

Connor made no comment as he walked in.

Evan was thankful, he just wanted to grab his things and go. He retrieved a polo from an old pile and a pair of khakis, knowing his style hadn't changed much over the past six years. 

The only thing that really distinguished between the times was that back then, he had worn cheap bracelets all over his wrists for a couple of reasons. Plastic ones with logos and brand advertisement never really stuck with him, but he loved the more unique ones. Silly bands and woven bracelets and twine and hair bands covered the thinnest areas of his wrists. Most important of those bracelets were the two bead bracelets and the rubber bands.

When he got anxious, those doubled as stim toys.

Evan pulled a bag from his drawer under his bed, filled with an assortment of them. "I wore these every day," Evan said quietly, "hardly ever even took them off."

Connor looked at the bag. "I don't remember the colored ones." 

"I never wore those to school," Evan shrugged. "Jared said they were for toddlers."

"Colors?"

"Silly bands."

Connor pulled a face, "I thought Jared was cool with you."

"Not— I mean, yes, I guess, we were always family friends, sort of. But like he said to y-your parents, uh, not— we just didnt, we didn't _click_  until recently."

"How recently?" 

"Like, three weeks ago, recently?"

Connor scoffed. "You're saying that I've been your friend as long as he has."

"Uh, yeah— I mean, I guess that's what I'm saying."

"That's fucking stupid."

Evan stooped in his tracks, watching Connor. "I— I mean I guess it's a little silly—"

"No, I mean _he_ thinks he's been your friend for the whole time," Connor deadpanned. "Clearly he hasn't made it clear enough that he is. I know he's _Jared_ , so he has to work on his communication skills, but you actually are his best friend." 

"I—" Evan stopped like a deer in headlights. No way. He ran a hand over his wrists, wishing he had those rubber bands on at the moment. "If he set you up to pran—" 

"I'm not fucking lying!"

Evan flinched.

Connor's eyes widened. "I didn't mean to yell. Shit— I just, I'm serious, Evan. I'm going to talk to Jared at some point because honestly I can't believe he let you think that this whole time."

Even after that divertion of some of the pressure, Evan felt stuck in the tension of the conversation. "We need to get back to the car," he said weakly, as if it would end the whole ordeal. 

Yet, to Evan's surprise, Connor stepped back, nodded, and lead the way out of the apartment. As Evan locked the door, Connor stood a careful distance away. "Are we okay…?"

"Yeah," Evan said, smiling nervously. "Don't worry about it." He meant it, he was fine with Connor, he just needed some time to sort things out in his brain.

Because he'd spent most of his teen life thinking Jared was just hanging out with him because he pitied him. The idea that Jared needed Evan as a friend as much as Evan needed Jared was shocking, and it would take some time to fully set in.

In the meantime, Evan sat down in the backseat of Jared's car with Connor and rode in relative silence to Jared's house, the hum of the road and muted comedy songs sounding through the car. 

"Well," Jared began once they turned onto his street. "We can't really film in my backyard, but there's a little park just down the street. It has a tree or some shit, whatever you need to do."

"When's Beck coming?" Connor asked.

"An hour," Jared said. "She had lifeguarding to do or something. Like, really, it's  _September_ , who's volunteering at a public swimming pool? But she is, so she'll come later."

Neither Evan nor Connor responded as Jared pulled into his parking lot.

"Let's get you two changed into your past selves and roll, okay nerds?" Jared asked as he parked in the empty driveway. He climbed out of the car, and Evan followed suit.

Jared ushered the, both in, and then waved to the two bathrooms in the house, telling them to switch outfits and meet him in his room. Evan went to the bathroom that was off the side of Jared's mom's room and quickly switched from Jared's shirt to the polo. After some contemplation, he did swap his jeans for the khakis too, and gathered the jeans and Jared's shirt to carry to Jared's room. 

When he got out, he saw Connor standing in the hall. Connor had tied back his hair into a ponytail, but held his beanie in his hands. He had on his flannel and jeans, shirt hanging low off his collarbones. Evan actively tried not to look. "Uh," Connor said. "Which one's Jared's?"

"Upstairs," Evan said, opening his bag of cheap jewelry.

"Right," Connor muttered.

Evan began sliding some of the twine and cheap plastic bands onto his arms, pushing them to the higher parts of his forearms.

"It's good we're not doing this a week ago," Connor said. "With your cast and all."

Evan blinked. He forgot that it had only been a week since his cast came off; everything had been such a whirlwind of activity that it seemed like a minor victory. "Yeah," Evan nodded, not knowing what else to say. 

Luckily they came to Jared's room a few seconds afterward.

"Jared?" Evan called softly.

"Yeah," he answered, and opened the door a few seconds after with a bottle in hand. "Connor, here."

Jared handed the bottle to Connor, who took it in his free hand. "Hair gel?" Connor asked, turning it over.

"Yeah," Jared said. "Put it on as we walk, we gotta get moving."

The walk to the park was brief, and Connor complained about the crunchiness of his hair when it dried, but put his beanie on anyway. 

"Connor, use your phone," Jared demanded when they reached the park with yellowed grass and trees surrounding a faded pastel playground. 

Evan looked around the park, eyeing the trees. "Why not mine?"

"Because your camera quality is shit. Connor?"

Connor grunted but pulled out his iPhone and pulled up the camera. "Honestly I wouldn't take a video."

"And I wouldn't either," Evan added, glancing at Connor.

"Too bad, video ahoy. Now do your fake friend thing," Jared said, moving away. "I'mma sit on a park bench and watch. Try not to suck." 

Evan watched him go, but then turned to Connor. "Should we just hit record and pretend?" 

"Sure," Connor shrugged. "Let's just walk along the tree line and shit." 

Evan nodded and started walking towards the trees. When he turned back to see if Connor was following, he had his phone up. "A-are you taking a picture?" 

"No," Connor drawled. "Gotta capture the moment forever and all, but maybe a video would do us one better." 

"What- what and capture uh, multiple moments forever?" Evan asked, looking at Connor behind the phone. 

Connor grinned and chuckled. "That's the nerdiest shit you've said all day." 

"H-hey!" Evan exclaimed. He didn't have to force the embarrassed blush that came. It was enough of a normal conversation that he wasn't even really acting. 

"Relax dude. Want to chill under a tree?" 

Evan turned and looked over the trees in the park before one caught his eye. He was surprised, and he didn't have to fake the excitement that rose. "Oh! Connor, C-Connor that's a Paperbark Maple, look! How did I not know our city has one?" 

"You've lived here sixteen years man, I dunno," Connor said. "Want to go sit under it?" 

Evan smiled. " _Yes_." 

They moved towards the tree, and Evan looked up into the branches. "Well, Ev? Want to climb it?" 

"I don't…" Evan peered at the branches before turning to Connor. "It's just such a _young_  tree? And it's really rare in general, I'd hate to break any of the branches." 

"Whatever," Connor shrugged. "It's no big, we'll just chill here then." 

"Okay, thank you," Evan said, smiling. "Oh, uh, do you want me to video you now?" He reached forward quickly and turned the camera onto Connor as he stared with a shocked face. 

Connor gaped for only a beat before his face twisted into a smile. He snorted and laughed, looking down at Evan with amused eyes. "You're…" 

Evan dropped his tensed shoulders that he had a year ago when things were awful, and waited for Connor to finish. 

Connor raised a hand and lay it casually on Evan's shoulder, right next to his neck. The phone Evan had fell to the side a bit. " _Awful_ , _"_ Connor teased with a mischievous glint in his eyes. 

A giggle bubbled up in Evan's chest. "P-please! You think I'm great." 

"Oh yeah," Connor said, tilting his head. "Right and I'll be bowing down to you, the dude who's fixing my life!" 

"You're fixing your own life!" Evan said. 

Connor made a noncommital noise and Evan's lighter tone dropped. 

"I mean it!" 

"Okay okay," Connor said, raising his hands. "Truce?" 

Evan sighed and nodded. 

"Then let's sit down next to this tree you nerded out about, okay?" 

Evan pulled the phone closer and stopped the recording. "I meant it," he muttered, checking the recording. One minute and forty-seven seconds. 

"Yeah, I know you did," Connor sighed, sounding a lot more tired. 

"You're a pretty good actor." 

"Not really. I'm just kinda, exaggerating how we usually are to be more like, kid friendly." 

Evan nodded as they came up the tree. The bark was peeling and the leaves were already turning golden. The ground around the tree had no grass, but at least it wasn't muddy. He sat down and pulled the phone up. He hit record. 

Connor stood a few feet away, looking up at the lower branches. "Ev?" 

"Y-yeah?" 

"Why's it doing the leaf falling thing before all the rest?" Connor asked, looking back at Evan. 

"Uh, because actually it isn't," Evan said. "I think, uh, these just turn colors faster and brighter." 

Connor hummed. "Wait is it like, dying?" 

"What?" Evan asked, puzzled. "Uh, no? Trees usually uh—" 

"No not that, like, the trunk is all gross," Connor said, pointing to the trunk. 

Evan turned, and pointed the camera at the trunk. "Oh, no it just peels. That's why it's called Paperbark. Do— do you want to feel the bark under?" 

Connor moved forward in leiu of an answer and reached his hand out before pausing and looking at Evan. 

Evan moved back to show Connor's reaction in the video, and nodded. 

Connor first felt the peeling bark and looked back at the camera skeptically, probably thinking that it felt like regular tree bark. Then, he ran his fingers onver the area that had already peeled back to reveal the darker surface. His eyes widened and he flattened his whole hand against it. " _Woah_." 

Evan laughed, prompting Connor to look up and glare at him. "You just look so amazed." 

"I'm amazed how excited you are about this. This is so soft, like damn." 

Evan snickered and put the phone down. "These trees hardly g-grow for anything other than decoration and uh, stuff like that." 

Connor hummed. "Should I record you again or…?" 

"I mean," Evan shrugged. "The community really just wants to see you." 

"I thought they wanted to see us." 

"Right, right, like us, but more importantly you." 

Connor shrugged. "Alright, whatever." 

Evan raised the camera and watched through the phone as Connor moved to the trunk and reached around a low hanging branch. He gasped, "Connor! I told you about the—" 

"I wanna see how the branches higher look. Do those ones do the uh, peeley thing too?" 

" _Connor_ ," Evan whined.

Connor turned back. "Really?"

"Yeah, get down! This tree needs to grow."

Connor let go and walked back to Evan, saying "If you say so."

"Thank you," Evan said.

There was an eye roll and a cute little smile before Connor looked away to the park. "Do you want to just like, lie down then? Or do more tree stuff?" 

"W-what else could we do?" 

"There's a playground," Connor suggested, grinning. "We could run up and down the metal steps." 

"You're crazy," Evan chuckled. 

Connor shrugged as he backed away. "Maybe I am. But at this rate I'll beat you there— race you!" 

Evan grinned, watching Connor turn and break into a sprint. He followed the taller boy, running hard over the park grass and tree roots between the maple tree and the playground. Luckily there were no kids there, so when Evan stepped into the sand surrounding the structure with a camera trained on a teenage kid, there were no stares. 

Connor took a running start and hopped up to reach his hands around the chains of a swing set. As the swing chair violently jerked below him, he stomped down a foot and swung with his whole body.

Evan held his breath and was thankful that the swing set looked sturdy. 

"I'm gonna jump!" Connor exclaimed, a wolfish smirk on his face. 

"What!? _No!_ " Evan shrieked, but it went unheard. 

A couple of swings later, Connor let go of the chains on the forward swing, and his body flung forward. He stumbled on his feet on the landing, and rolled onto his back with a thump in the sand. 

Evan ran to his side and looked him over, but he only had the wind knocked out of him. "What were you doing?!" 

Connor laughed, but it came out more of a cough. "Having fun." 

"You're insane." 

"Call the press," Connor joked dryly as he rolled over and stood up again.

Evan reached forward and brushed the sand off of the back of his flannel.

"Thanks. So playground, right man?" 

They spent a few more minutes messing around, filming Connor launch himself face first down a slide. Evan got the opportunity to play around on the monkey bars, which was actually one of his favorite activities as a kid. It reminded him of tree climbing, and that hobby had given him fairly sturdy upper body strength too. Evan laughed and tried to get a reluctant Connor to try the merry-go-round, which he almost declined until the last second when Evan dared him. A few times on camera, Evan snapped the rubber bands on his arms against his wrist, mostly for show. He had forgotten the appeal, but the habit came rushing back to his memory fairly quickly. 

When they were arguing tentatively about whether Connor could climb up the side of the slide, Jared walked onto the playground and caught Evan's eye. "Oh, hey Jared, what's wrong?"

"Beck just got off lifeguard duty, so it's time to get to my house before she gets there," Jared said.

The walk to Jared's house was awkward and disjointed with a solid disconnect from the mindless fun from only a few minutes before. 

Jared waited by the door as Evan shed his bracelets into a pile on the coffee table of the living room. Evan sat in silence, wondering if he should make a comment about what Connor had told him, about Jared actually caring. In the end, he opened his mouth and spoke without a plan. 

"So when you said you were my family friend, you were joking, because you're actually my best friend," he said, cutting through the silence. 

He looked up, and Jared seemed stunned into silence. After a moment, the boy recovered enough to turn to Evan with a vaguely disinterested expression. "Well, I mean I wouldn't say it in as many words." 

"Is it true?" Evan asked. 

"Duh," Jared shrugged. "Best is a relative term though, I mean I know, like, _everyone_  so I do have other frien—" 

"Jared I'm trying to talk to you," Evan said. 

Jared smiled, moving towards the living room's center. "I'm proud of you, Acorn, cutting me off and everything. _Really_  coming out of your shell, maybe Connor and I are rubbing off on you." 

"I'm being serious," Evan exclaimed, standing up sharply. "Just- just please take this seriously!" 

Jared's smile dropped and was replaced by a calculating and suspicious frown. "Okay." 

"I don't think I can be your best friend any more." 

Jared's face twisted to anger and disbelief, but Evan didn't give him the chance to get a word in. 

"I have to be Connor's best friend to the world, and it took me until today to figure out that you actually didn't mean all of the degrading and rude jokes you told me for years. You couldn't even take me seriously until we're putting together a fake friendship!" 

"Hey, at least I was fucking there," Jared hissed. "At the end of the day, every grade you went through, I was there with a house you were invited to any time you wanted, and I was the one who sat with you at lunch, and I was the only one who knew how to help at school with your anxiety at all!" 

"And what, I wasn't there?" 

"Well it seems like now that there's an excuse, you don't want to be!" 

The hallway door opened, and Connor stepped out, back in his modern clothes. 

Evan looked back at Jared, who shook his head. "I'm done," Jared announced. "The house is yours, _as always_. I'm going to go get drunk as hell with the boys at the party downtown." 

"Jared, what the hell do you think you're doing?" Connor interrupted, marching into the room. 

"Going where I won't be in anybody's way, apparently," Jared sneered. 

Evan flinched, as it was clearly aimed at him. 

"You're not going anywhere," Connor said. "I don't know what the fuck has gotten into you but it's not okay to yell at Evan like that, okay?" 

"Then I'll just get out of your now-crunchy emo hair—" 

Connor grabbed Jared's wrist when he turned away. 

Jared looked down at the black nails digging into his arm. He laughed almost hysterically and looked up at Connor. "What, are you gonna' fucking _deck_ me?" 

"Jared," Connor said quieter. "Give me one second to talk, okay?" 

Jared shrugged and Connor let go of his arm. 

"I don't know exactly what just went down, okay? But you need to be professional and stay here. Partially because you already invited someone else over, but mostly 'cause we need you here." 

"What would you do without my sole purpose, backdating your files?" Jared quipped, glancing at Evan. 

"We need you," Connor said again. "Don't make me get more dramatic that." 

Jared rolled his eyes. "I'm not working with _him_  until he can get it together and apologize," he said, pointing at Evan. "Give me your phone. I'll be in my room. Send Alana up whenever she gets here and we'll backdate the video files." 

Connor handed over his phone and let Jared stomp up to his room. Once the boy had left, he turned to Evan. "Are you like, okay?" 

Evan took a shaky breath. "I think I just ruined things with Jared." 

"Hey," Connor said, reaching out to put a hand on Evan's shoulder. He flinched away before Connor made contact. "Oh, uh, sorry." 

Evan tried really hard not to think of the fact that Jared would have known not to touch him. 

He failed and the regretful pain in his chest didn't fade.

He snapped one of the remaining rubber bands against his wrist.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The rubber band thing is real, and very effective if you have anxiety or want to push away from self harm!  
> There'll be an interlude oneshot where things smooth over before the next big multichap fic in this universe (y'know, the Connor centric one to complete the trilogy). So don't freak out too hard? <3  
> As always, I read each and every comment, and freak out and cherish all of them and the pile of kudos. Thank you all for the support!


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